#Procrastination

I’ve been avoiding posting anything on my blog because I’m dealing with a bad case of the doubts. There’s big Juneteenth event being hosted by the NAACP this coming Saturday and I’m a vendor for it. I’ve been saying for a couple of years now how I tend to sell better in person and I should do events, conferences and shows. Of course I’ve come up with a bevy of excuses why I couldn’t do that just yet. My usual excuses are: “I don’t have enough money” and “I just need to design the right product”. I was going to skip out on doing the Juneteenth celebration because I didn’t have the money to secure my spot. I didn’t ask anyone for the money, of course not, that would be proactive. You see I let doubt slip in again. I back tracked, but I was given another opportunity to move forward.

My aunt, who had told me about the event, asked me if I planed to do it. I told her I wasn’t doing it because the spot cost too much. So she offered to pay for it. This stunned me. I had assumed she looked down on me not having a “real’ job, but here she was encouraging me to do this big event and even offering to pay for me to attend. Her funds are tight, she has a decent sized family to take care of and is a single mom who works super hard. But she really wanted me to seize this opportunity and I realized I wanted to seize it as well.

So I stepped forward, accepted her offer and began to panic a bit, wondering how to make enough money to make her sacrifice worthwhile. The good news is, I have been fighting the panic. The bad news is when I’m about to win the fight, I put down my sword.

I’ve had some small successes:

  • I’ve attempted realism for the first time in years (turned out great but I almost wrecked my paintings thinking they weren’t good enough)
  • I’ve kept going despite encountering a bevy of obstacles, man when it rains it pours… which reminds me
  • Rain or shine, I’ve been driving of my on free will, I might even drive to the Juneteenth celebration this weekend
  • I tutored my cousin (this I’m most proud of since I still have a tendency to think of myself as dumb, old habits can be hard to kill like zombies that want to eat you alive-which is why you should kill them)

I retract my claim that these are small successes. These accomplishments are big deals, they are part of my future. They signal a change in habit and thinking. So while I have had mixed success in battling my doubts, at least I’m fighting. And I’ll continue to fight, with my sword of courage and my shield of faith.

I ask you all to fight the good fight with me and never give up. Why? Because you’re more than capable of winning.

My next post will have pictures of my paintings and some of my other creations for the Juneteenth. What’s the use of making art if I’m too afraid to show it to anyone?

Better Late Than Never

So, I meant to post about my driving adventures on Sunday. However I was sick Sunday as well as the following days. Those days offered my a lot of time to think and some very good things came out of my sickness.

I tend to have ‘interesting’ luck, some might say I’m jinxed. But I find most of the stuff that happens to me funny. It’s like a slapstick comedy with a live audience.

Previously I mentioned that I would practice driving during a road trip, now that I have my permit. Well I did just that last Saturday. Here’s the story:

The day started off with a hitch. I spilled thick hot soup all over my left arm, burning it badly. My mom instructed me to run said arm under cool water, dry it and apply toothpaste to soothe it. Now I was thinking the toothpaste thing sounded far fetched but I was in so much pain I would have tied scorpions to my arm if she told it might help. I even considered cutting the arm off and being done with it. Compared to those options toothpaste seemed a far more reasonable solution.

To my surprise it worked. Still, the day was very hot and I soon discovered that my fresh burn was sensitive to heat. Yeah, that was all sorts of not fun. But I was endlessly amused by people’s reactions to my blue and white arm. One lady even asked me what happened and advised me to ice it. She was sweet. I took her advice and my discomfort subsided. Thank you random lady I met in the restroom.

I even drove with my rad toothpaste covered arm. The first time was horrible. I was a nervous wreck, making my mom nervous so she started yelling at me (while saying she wasn’t yelling, this too I found funny). It was noisy and there were so many distractions, I’m very global. So I didn’t drive for long before switching back to the passenger seat.

The second time, and yes there was a second time, I put it into my mind not to panic about anything. I adjusted the seat and put on my glasses (though I don’t legally need them for driving) and got comfortable with the idea that I was putting my life, my mom’s life and the lives of others into my hands. I told myself I’d take care of those lives, because I could.

This time I was content, peaceful even. Then the sunny sky turned dark grey and rain came down in buckets on the windshield. It got so bad I couldn’t see the lines on the road. And I actually smiled because, long ago when I had just started driving, me and my mom took a a road trip. When I took my turn behind the wheel the sky turned from sunny to dark grey and rain poured. History was repeating itself. Only back then I was terrified and now I was peaceful. I had decided to be peaceful.

Never before did I think I had that choice. I didn’t know I could chose to be peaceful. I thought peace was just something that’s given to you by who knows what. But now I know it is an act of will and my will is stronger than I thought. I drove through the rain, I drove in the darkness and I never once lost my peace, because it wasn’t something I could lose. No, I would have to kill it to get rid of it, because it is part of me.

Be peaceful and sleep well.

Belle: A Lesson In the Timelessness of Racism and Misogyny Against Black Women

This post totally makes me want to go see the movie. I had been considering it but thinking it might be one of those “pat yourself on the back for making a black film to show you’re not racist” type of deals. I hate that term, “black film”. All films should have black people in them (if it makes sense) so what exactly is a “black film”? But I digress. In any case, if you haven’t read this article, I suggest you set aside a little time to do just that.

Oh and random side note (considering the context), I passed my written test and now have a learner’s permit. I can take the road test whenever I’m ready. Woot-Woot. I’m going on a road trip tomorrow, aka later today so I’ll get some good practice in. Wish me luck!

Oh and let me know in the comments whether or not you’d go see Belle. And if you have seen it already, let me know what you think.

Olivia A. Cole

Image

It’s not often that audiences are exposed to a portrayal of racism that is viewed through the lens of black women. Dido Elizabeth Belle, a mixed-race woman in 1700’s England, was the daughter of an admiral and an enslaved African woman. The film Belle, which was released nationwide this weekend, follows Dido’s life in the household of William Murray, her great-uncle, who was the earl of Mansfield and Lord Chief Justice of England. We watch Dido become a lady, educated and accomplished, while still forced to dine separately from her family in the company of strangers due to her lower status as a non-white person. We witness her experiences with romance and her complicated friendship with her white cousin, all during the infamous Zong case.

In the film, Dido becomes acquainted with an aspiring lawyer and abolitionist who advocates against the Zong slavers and, in turn, exposes Dido to…

View original post 1,471 more words

Testing My Confidence

I have needed to make new business cards for my company for a long time. About a year now. But I kept dancing around the issue, wondering what my logo should be, should I just give up on the company, is this a waste of time, etc. But a week ago I decided to bite the bullet and give the company my all. I mean, if I’m going to fail, isn’t it better to fail trying my best? So no more self-sabotage. My best was the only thing I planned to give from then on out.

Following this decision I chose to go with a nautical theme since I’m born and raised on the shore (and love it there). I started designing all nautical themed creations (including a nice business card). However when I received my 500 business cards I found they were rather dark and illegible.  Panic peeked its head up, but I soothed it back to sleep, deciding to test the card out in different light and give people a chance to tell me whether or not they could read it.

As more people told me they couldn’t read it, and that I should get my money back panic stirred from its slumber and curled its way around my mind. I’m struggling financially, the money I used to buy the business cards (on sale) was borrowed from my aunt. I make very little and work very hard. The idea of having 500 useless cards and not much way to spread the word about my work would have sent me into a tailspin of doubt and anxiety. I’d be thinking “Is this a sign? Have I wasted a chunk of my life on something that has always been doomed to fail?”

But, I am not the same as I was before. I know that panic solves nothing, in fact it creates more (completely unnecessary) issues. So I fought to tame the panic, at last getting it back in its grave to Rest In Peace. Then I sent a very nice message to Vistaprint, asking for help with the matter.

While on the website I saw they had another brief sale going on, so I ordered a few cards using one of their designs that resembled the dolls I make. That being done, I made some adorable dolls, spent time with my family and forgot about the whole matter.

Today I saw that Vistaprint customer service sent me an email. The representative offered advice on making the text more legible and said that if I uploaded a new design Vistaprint would redo my order using it, for free.

In the past I wouldn’t have asked. I would have assumed the worst, wallowed in my inability to do anything right, and believed I was too insignificant for anyone to care about helping. After all I haven’t spent a great deal of money with Vistaprint (in most people’s eyes), though to me it’s a great fortune. This line of thinking is self-sabotage. That’s not me anymore.

Today I sent them the new design to Vistaprint and now I am about to go take my drivers test (to get a permit at the ripe age of 28), which I have been putting off out of fear of failure for many many years.

To sum up this long post here are some notes from a long conversation with my cousin yesterday.

She was saying variations of things I had said to myself so many times:

  • But, so and so (a parent or someone close to you) thinks I should do this
  • But I don’t know much about it, I’m not trained
  • I just need to find the motivation
  • Maybe later, eventually, I’m going to, etc
  • But that’s not what I went to school for
  • But I like doing this as well

This is what I said in response:

  • They don’t know everything about everything, they may have issues of their own that are leading them to fixate on you, it is your decision, your life
  • You can always learn more as you go along, start small offer a disclaimer if necessary (even people who’ve made it big offer disclaimers), but never disregard the experience you have received. Your life has offered you training, there is something you have already to offer and you are just building upon it
  • Your motivation should be the love of the work you do, if you don’t love it maybe you should alter it or not do it
  • Speak in the present “I am, I’m making, I have” etc, if you can do something today don’t wait for tomorrow, just do it
  • Life is your school, like I said before you’ve already had some training in something. Plus you can attend school, read up on things, shadow someone who does have the experience while doing what you are currently able to do. We have the internet, social sharing, and family/friends to help us get started (and keep going).
  • It’s okay to be interested in multiple things. Find the ones at the top of your list and figure out how you can use them to support your number one interest (the one that you love the most). I myself love animation and writing so I’m making an animated commercial for my online shop.

The list goes on, but the key element is love. If you love your work other people will love it too. Be confident and take yourself seriously, show the respect for yourself you’d like others to show towards you.

Me and my cousin were so afraid of making a wrong step and “ruining/wasting our lives” that we refused to more forward. Which is kind of crazy since we were wasting our lives hanging around accomplishing nothing. Self-fulling prophesy.

 

Don’t be afraid to be great, to be the best there ever was at walking the path meant for you.

 

Becoming More Confident

Becoming More Confident

I am slowly discovering my style and appreciating my skill set (rather than envying the skills of others). We’re different for a reason, right? In any case, when I leave all my doubt behind and just do what I know to be right, I find I love my work again (like I used to). It is as if I’m resurrecting that the old me who thought the only measuring stick worth referencing was my own. Now my goal is to be the best me possible, not the best you or anybody else. Because, well, the world already has one of you and you’re doing a great job.

For a change I’m promoting my adorable little shop. Be sure to check out Piece of Quirk, it’s a lot of fun.

That is all ^_^ Sleep well and wake better