#Procrastination

I’ve been avoiding posting anything on my blog because I’m dealing with a bad case of the doubts. There’s big Juneteenth event being hosted by the NAACP this coming Saturday and I’m a vendor for it. I’ve been saying for a couple of years now how I tend to sell better in person and I should do events, conferences and shows. Of course I’ve come up with a bevy of excuses why I couldn’t do that just yet. My usual excuses are: “I don’t have enough money” and “I just need to design the right product”. I was going to skip out on doing the Juneteenth celebration because I didn’t have the money to secure my spot. I didn’t ask anyone for the money, of course not, that would be proactive. You see I let doubt slip in again. I back tracked, but I was given another opportunity to move forward.

My aunt, who had told me about the event, asked me if I planed to do it. I told her I wasn’t doing it because the spot cost too much. So she offered to pay for it. This stunned me. I had assumed she looked down on me not having a “real’ job, but here she was encouraging me to do this big event and even offering to pay for me to attend. Her funds are tight, she has a decent sized family to take care of and is a single mom who works super hard. But she really wanted me to seize this opportunity and I realized I wanted to seize it as well.

So I stepped forward, accepted her offer and began to panic a bit, wondering how to make enough money to make her sacrifice worthwhile. The good news is, I have been fighting the panic. The bad news is when I’m about to win the fight, I put down my sword.

I’ve had some small successes:

• I’ve attempted realism for the first time in years (turned out great but I almost wrecked my paintings thinking they weren’t good enough)
• I’ve kept going despite encountering a bevy of obstacles, man when it rains it pours… which reminds me
• Rain or shine, I’ve been driving of my on free will, I might even drive to the Juneteenth celebration this weekend
• I tutored my cousin (this I’m most proud of since I still have a tendency to think of myself as dumb, old habits can be hard to kill like zombies that want to eat you alive-which is why you should kill them)

I retract my claim that these are small successes. These accomplishments are big deals, they are part of my future. They signal a change in habit and thinking. So while I have had mixed success in battling my doubts, at least I’m fighting. And I’ll continue to fight, with my sword of courage and my shield of faith.

I ask you all to fight the good fight with me and never give up. Why? Because you’re more than capable of winning.

My next post will have pictures of my paintings and some of my other creations for the Juneteenth. What’s the use of making art if I’m too afraid to show it to anyone?

Testing My Confidence

I have needed to make new business cards for my company for a long time. About a year now. But I kept dancing around the issue, wondering what my logo should be, should I just give up on the company, is this a waste of time, etc. But a week ago I decided to bite the bullet and give the company my all. I mean, if I’m going to fail, isn’t it better to fail trying my best? So no more self-sabotage. My best was the only thing I planned to give from then on out.

Following this decision I chose to go with a nautical theme since I’m born and raised on the shore (and love it there). I started designing all nautical themed creations (including a nice business card). However when I received my 500 business cards I found they were rather dark and illegible.  Panic peeked its head up, but I soothed it back to sleep, deciding to test the card out in different light and give people a chance to tell me whether or not they could read it.

As more people told me they couldn’t read it, and that I should get my money back panic stirred from its slumber and curled its way around my mind. I’m struggling financially, the money I used to buy the business cards (on sale) was borrowed from my aunt. I make very little and work very hard. The idea of having 500 useless cards and not much way to spread the word about my work would have sent me into a tailspin of doubt and anxiety. I’d be thinking “Is this a sign? Have I wasted a chunk of my life on something that has always been doomed to fail?”

But, I am not the same as I was before. I know that panic solves nothing, in fact it creates more (completely unnecessary) issues. So I fought to tame the panic, at last getting it back in its grave to Rest In Peace. Then I sent a very nice message to Vistaprint, asking for help with the matter.

While on the website I saw they had another brief sale going on, so I ordered a few cards using one of their designs that resembled the dolls I make. That being done, I made some adorable dolls, spent time with my family and forgot about the whole matter.

Today I saw that Vistaprint customer service sent me an email. The representative offered advice on making the text more legible and said that if I uploaded a new design Vistaprint would redo my order using it, for free.

In the past I wouldn’t have asked. I would have assumed the worst, wallowed in my inability to do anything right, and believed I was too insignificant for anyone to care about helping. After all I haven’t spent a great deal of money with Vistaprint (in most people’s eyes), though to me it’s a great fortune. This line of thinking is self-sabotage. That’s not me anymore.

Today I sent them the new design to Vistaprint and now I am about to go take my drivers test (to get a permit at the ripe age of 28), which I have been putting off out of fear of failure for many many years.

To sum up this long post here are some notes from a long conversation with my cousin yesterday.

She was saying variations of things I had said to myself so many times:

• But, so and so (a parent or someone close to you) thinks I should do this
• But I don’t know much about it, I’m not trained
• I just need to find the motivation
• Maybe later, eventually, I’m going to, etc
• But that’s not what I went to school for
• But I like doing this as well

This is what I said in response:

• They don’t know everything about everything, they may have issues of their own that are leading them to fixate on you, it is your decision, your life
• You can always learn more as you go along, start small offer a disclaimer if necessary (even people who’ve made it big offer disclaimers), but never disregard the experience you have received. Your life has offered you training, there is something you have already to offer and you are just building upon it
• Your motivation should be the love of the work you do, if you don’t love it maybe you should alter it or not do it
• Speak in the present “I am, I’m making, I have” etc, if you can do something today don’t wait for tomorrow, just do it
• Life is your school, like I said before you’ve already had some training in something. Plus you can attend school, read up on things, shadow someone who does have the experience while doing what you are currently able to do. We have the internet, social sharing, and family/friends to help us get started (and keep going).
• It’s okay to be interested in multiple things. Find the ones at the top of your list and figure out how you can use them to support your number one interest (the one that you love the most). I myself love animation and writing so I’m making an animated commercial for my online shop.

The list goes on, but the key element is love. If you love your work other people will love it too. Be confident and take yourself seriously, show the respect for yourself you’d like others to show towards you.

Me and my cousin were so afraid of making a wrong step and “ruining/wasting our lives” that we refused to more forward. Which is kind of crazy since we were wasting our lives hanging around accomplishing nothing. Self-fulling prophesy.

 

Don’t be afraid to be great, to be the best there ever was at walking the path meant for you.

 

Hello all!

So, I’ve been confused as to what I should be doing with my life, specifically regarding work. I know that I want to help people but everyone keeps talking money and business. That’s not me. I’m not business minded, I’m people minded. So, in light of the tough time we are all going through right now (work is slim, violence abounds and hope seems like a distant dream) I am writing as a means of organizing my thoughts and sharing my experience.

I know for a fact that none of us are alone. Pain, frustration, sadness, joy, love, peace are all shared experiences. There is always at least one other person who feels the way you do right now, someone who is going through the same things as you.

But I take heart in knowing that as tough as things are, we are always tougher (with God’s help).

Thank you for reading and welcome to my blog.

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